I’m going to be totally selfish here and say this post is for me. I wrote it because I needed to write in that way I do when something needs to change. I love this kind of writing, because it might mean nothing to you, it might resonate with you, it probably won’t make a lot of sense, or you might be one of those few people who will pick up on the subtle messages throughout. Either way, I’m about to purge a lot of thoughts on this page, and it feels gooooooood.
This year I said I was going to be enthusiastic. That was my one aim for 2017, to be that excited person again, to be that girl before she quietly changed without anyone noticing. Especially her.
I used to get so excited about the smallest things – a bakery having my favourite cake, plans to go to a bar later that evening, trying on new heels before a party, shopping with my Mum, waiting for results of a piece of work, reaching the next chapter of my book, seeing my friends at lunch, going on an adventure.
Yet, now when I read back the last few weeks of my journal, it all just looks so lacklustre. It’s mid-March, and I’m not feeling much these days. I got scared for a while that I might be stumbling along the edge of depression; it wouldn’t be that far-fetched with my history of anxiety. But no, my mental health is in the best shape it’s been for years…I think my problem is that I’m happy.
I’m happy, I should be screaming it from the rooftops! But why did happiness steal my passion?
I’m looking after myself too much. I’ve been eating healthy, working out everyday, watching the pounds drop off, going to bed early, reading, writing a journal…doing everything I’m ‘supposed’ to do. This is great, but now I don’t bake, I don’t get my favourite night owl experiences when I bounce up and have a gazillion ideas at once, I don’t have my chocolate-binges with Erin, I miss my spontaneous adventures with Hassan, Josh, Yanni, and even my stupid-long but amazing conversations with James.
I’ve achieved so much. I’m so damn proud of myself, but it’s also set me up for a lot more of the same. Once you’ve got the job, the flat, the friends, the happiness…yes you still have lots of aspirations, but they all seem so less urgent, less immediate. So what is there to get excited about right now? Lots actually, I just don’t feel it.
My Mum sometimes says she doesn’t feel like herself when she looks in the mirror, and recently I’ve started to understand what she means. I catch my reflection and think, that’s not me. Those aren’t the clothes I want to wear, that’s not the hair colour that feels like ‘me’. Where’s my smile?
So how am I going to take back the one thing that has always made me, ‘me’? I’m going to have to find my passion again. I’m maybe even going to have to change my hair colour. Where are these redhead vibes coming from?
I’m going to bake, starting with custard creams this week (shh). Baking was a huge part of my life a few years ago when I needed a physical way to express my creativity, and I loved it. I loved it until people started asking me to bake, and then I stopped. Now it’s time to do it for me again. I wonder if I’ll still like it?
When was the last time I threw a party? It’s ridiculous, and nothing gets me more excited than planning a party. Oh YEAH – all my friends left. Haha, silly me. I’ll throw a miniature one anyway. A bit like when everyone was late to my birthday and I danced to Aretha Franklin’s ‘I say a little prayer’ all by myself. THAT is how I want to be feeling again. And you know, that was only three months ago.
Speaking of music, I could learn a lot from my brother and my Dad here. They get so much out of music, but it’s just another jumbled up part of my life. I have endless rows of playlists, when really I just want to get a record player and copy a bit of my Dad’s style.
I recently watched American Honey and loved it. It was a raw glimpse into this girl, Star’s, life, and I couldn’t get enough of the soundtrack, which is how I discovered Sam Hunt. My Dad would fall out of his chair if he knew I was listening to a country album on repeat; over a decade after I used to join my parents’ music sessions in our sun porch (literally a flat-roofed extension to our kitchen, otherwise known as ‘the sun porch’). Then, after my Dad recovered, he would sit back down, give it a listen, and he’d fall out of it again as soon as he heard what an ‘abomination’ Sam Hunt is to country music.
Yeah, so Sam Hunt is basically a former ball playing, R&B loving guy who took up country singing in his own sweet style. And yes, it sounds like total pop with a country-esque voice to me – but for once I don’t even care because his songs are making me feel really good right now. ‘Body Like a Back Road’ just makes me smile, and ‘Take Your Time’ resonates so much with me. Sam Hunt’s Instagram feed is also beautiful, just in case you also need an extra dose of happy right now…
Okay, I’m done. That felt good. Any friends reading, please message me for food, spontaneity, or custard creams.