Things all non-coffee drinkers know

8th February 2017

I have a coffee-addicted family, my friends all depended on it at university, and I even went to coffee school for my part-time job as – you guessed it – a barista. The truth is, I hate coffee. I don’t like the smell, I don’t particularly like the taste, I can’t stand hot beverages, and I don’t even like mocha cakes. There’s a crazy millennial right there. If you’re like me, you’re probably familiar with the daily ups and downs of being a non-coffee drinker. Sigh.

Loyalty cards have no incentive

You can’t possibly imagine how happy it makes me to find a shop that has a loyalty card for something other than coffee. I get handed loyalty cards again and again in coffee shops, even when I haven’t bought a coffee (which is always). I’ll come back to your shop if you give me a smoothie card, or a start a pain au chocolat loyalty scheme.

For that matter, why does it have to be a ‘coffee’ shop

Plurality. The majority of the contents of the shop do not associate with being coffee, and might not like to be contained within a so-called coffee shop. But then again they don’t get a say, they live in a world dictated by hipsters.

Nobody makes us a drink at work

I will never know that sweet feeling of somebody making me a cup of coffee at work. While everyone else in the building takes about fifty coffee breaks a day, I plod along with my bottle of water. Oh to work at Fruit Towers where smoothies are the drink of the workplace…

We do know how to get through the day without that caffeine kick

Okay, so occasionally I might crash at 3pm and crave a Diet Coke; but really, I have way less crashes than my coffee-drinking workmates. I also save quite a bit of cash by avoiding the morning flat whites – not to mention I don’t have to clean any of the cups!

No, I would not like a tea instead

This isn’t true for all non-coffee drinkers, but many of us avoid it because we don’t like hot beverages full stop. There is nothing to me that is refreshing about a hot drink…so no, unless I’m going for the afternoon tea experience, I’ll pass on that cuppa too. I do not live up to my country’s tea-drinking reputation.

We are so over hot chocolates

There has been many a time spent with friends in a coffee shop when I have felt pressured into ordering something that is sipped from a mug. That leaves me with nothing other than a good old hot chocolate. So. Over. It.

It’s unfair we don’t get a little biscuit on the side

What do you mean I don’t get a Lotuss biscuit with my soft drink? I don’t like coffee, not biscuits. Put it on a saucer if it makes you feel better. Please?

I don’t want to see your winter Starbucks cup

My Starbucks order is the Hibiscus Iced Tea – I am in love with it. Unfortunately, it’s not a hot drink, so it doesn’t get dressed up in a pretty red cup over the festive season. My Instagram feed on the other hand is full of them…

Coffee dates are the worst

I read somewhere that coffee dates are the new hook-up, and it’s unclear whether going for a coffee is a date or not. Apparently all the cool kids are doing it. I guess I’ll never know.

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